Category Archives: Humor

If I had a raffle entry for every year… Here are the winners!

Congratulations to the eight winners of the Front Porch Forum raffle to celebrate Lake Champlain’s Quadracentennial.  Here are their entries and the event to which they won a pair of tickets…

• If I had twenty pounds of “Willis” for every year since Samuel de Champlain saw Lake Champlain, I would have a “Willis-ton”.  -Kathy Rude, Williston – July 5 – The Roots

• If I had a moment for every year since Samuel de Champlain first saw Lake Champlain, I’d have not yet enough time to say good bye.  -Lisa McGuire, Richmond – July 5/6/7 – Only Drunks & Children Tell the Truth

• If I had a New Love for every year since Samuel de Champlain first saw Lake Champlain, I’d have Big Trouble.  -William Muzzy, Shelburne – July 7 – King Sunny Ade

• If I had a day for every year since Samuel de Champlain first saw Lake Champlain, I’d have a little girl who got to meet her Grandpa before he died of lung cancer.  -Lisa Seymour, Milton – July 8 – Counterpoint

• If I had a side for every year since Samuel de Champlain first saw Lake Champlain, I’d have a quadradecadecagon.  -David Fontaine, Hinesburg – July 9/10/11 – Territoires Feminins

• If I had a way to eliminate 65 nuclear warheads for every year since Samuel de Champlain first saw Lake Champlain, Id have a planet with no nuclear weapons!  -Naomi Almeleh, Burlington – July 11 – Ween

• If I had a hamburger for every year since Samuel de Champlain first saw Lake Champlain, I could have solved the Lake’s agricultural pollution problems!  -Don Meals, Burlington – July 12 – Water Music

• If I had a penny for every year since Samuel de Champlain first saw Lake Champlain, I’d have two large creemes at Al’s.  -Matthew Griffes, South Burlington – July 13/14 – Aurelia’s Oratorio

Thanks to our sponsors: Higher Ground, Burlington International Waterfront Festival and Burlington City Arts! Learn more about the Quadricentennial at http://www.celebratechamplain.org

And here are many of the other entries.  Thanks to all who participated.

• If I had a Front Porch Forum neighbor for every year since Samuel de Champlain first saw Lake Champlain, I’d have a very big community of friends.
• If I had 162 MILLION DOLLARS for every year since Samuel de Champlain first saw Lake Champlain, I’d have NEARLY ENOUGH MONEY TO REIMBURSE THE 8,000 PEOPLE SWINDLED BY MADOFF.
• If I had a thousand dollars for every year since Samuel de Champlain firstsaw Lake Champlain, I’d have a house on Lakeview Terrace!
• If I had a lollipop for every year since Samuel de Champlain first saw Lake Champlain, I’d have two very happy kids!
• If I had a dollar for every year since Samuel de Champlain first saw Lake Champlain, i would still be short ten dollars for one months rent.
• If I had a beaver pelt for every year since Samuel de Champlain first saw Lake Champlain, I’d have a hard time explaining it to the Fish and Game Dept.
• If I had to listen to F-16’s take off for every year since Samuel de Champlain first saw Lake Champlain, I’d have gone crazy. 🙂
• If I had a 17 billion gallons of water for every year since Samuel de Champlain first saw Lake Champlain, I’d have enough to fill another Lake Champlain!
• If I had a miniature donkey for every year since Samuel de Champlain first saw Lake Champlain, I’d have a whole lot of poop.
• If I had a balloon full of helium for every year since Samuel de Champlain first saw Lake Champlain, I’d have enough lift to take my couch (and my dog) on a floating tour of the Old North End. (assuming 3ft diameter balloons, 120 pounds of furniture, 230 pounds of person and dog, correct calculations, and a favorable breeze)
• If I had a letter for every year since Samuel de Champlain first saw Lake Champlain, I’d have enough for 2.86 tweets.
• If I had a smile for every year since Samuel de Champlain first saw Lake Champlain, I’d have our wonderful five sisters neighborhood!
• If I had a vacation day at a ranch in Crawford, Texas for every year since Samuel de Champlain first saw Lake Champlain, I’d have been President of the United States for eight years…
• If I had a pint of blueberries for every year since Samuel de Champlain first saw Lake Champlain, I’d have plenty of blueberry pies to share with my Front Porch Forum neighbors.
• If I had a MOTOR BOAT for every year since Samuel de Champlain first saw Lake Champlain, I’d have MY VERY OWN CHARTER SERVICE. (I’d be the “Skipper”, Tim would be my “First Mate” and “Max” would be our “Mascot”. Any takers for “The Millionaire and his wife”, “The Movie Star”, “The Professor” or “Mary Ann”)
• If I had a FRENCH FRY for every year since Samuel de Champlain first saw Lake Champlain, I’d have HEARTBURN.
• If I had a gallon of sap from a sugar maple tree for every year since Samuel de Champlain first saw the Lake, I’d have 10 gallons of maple syrup.
• If I had a pothole for every year since Samuel de Champlain first saw Lake Champlain, I’d have Ledgemere Street 😉
• If I had someone who wanted a pail of topsoil for every year since Samuel de Champlain first saw Lake Champlain, I’d have enough to get rid of the pile of top soil taking up space on the blue tarp next to 117 N. Champlain Street. Please come and take it! Thanks!
• If I had 1 foot for every year since Samuel de Champlain first saw lake Champlain I’d have the bottom of the lake.
• If I had a fox or coyote for every year since Samuel de Champlain saw Lake Champlain, I’d have only half the wildlife in Orchard Neighborhood spotted in 2009.
• If I had a share of stock in Green Mountain Coffee Roasters for every year since Samuel de Champlain saw Lake Champlain, I’d have enough money to go to the Turks and Caicos : )
• If I had a leg for every year since Samuel de Champlain first saw Lake Champlain, I’d have four centipedes.
• If I had a THREAD for every year since Samuel de Champlain first saw Lake Champlain, I’d have A GREAT SET OF SHEETS!
• If I had a weed for every year since Samuel de Champlain first saw Lake Champlain, I’d have my garden!
• If I had a knick-knack for every year since Samuel de Champlain first saw Lake Champlain, I’d have a lawn sale.
• If I had a 0.00785398163th for every year since Samuel de Champlain first saw Lake Champlain, I’d have a piece of the “pi”! 🙂
• If I had a smile for every year since Samuel de Champlain first saw Lake Champlain, I’d have my life in Burlington.
• If I had a zebra mussel for every year since Samuel de Champlain first saw Lake Champlain, my water line would be clogged.
• If I had a house for every year since Samuel de Champlain first saw Lake Champlain, I’d have the slated Larkin development in the Southeast quadrant (almost).
• If I had a Champ sighting for every year since Samuel de Champlain first saw Lake Champlain, I’d have to have had a lot of cocktails…
• If I had a monkey for every year since Samuel de Champlain first saw Lake Champlain, I’d have a big mess.
• If I had a clever idea for every year since Samuel de Champlain first saw Lake Champlain, I’d have a pretty good chance of winning this raffle.
• If I had a quilt for every year since Samuel de Champlain first saw Lake Champlain, I’d have enough to give a quilt to 1 out of every 10 homeless people in Vermont.
• If I had a pickle for every year since Samuel de Champlain first saw Lake Champlain, I’d have barrel of pickles.
• If I had a rose for every year since Samuel de Champlain first saw Lake Champlain, I’d have the gardens of Versailles.
• If I had one representative like Bernie Sanders in Congress for every year since Samuel de Champlain first saw Lake Champlain, I’d have single payer health care this year for ever man, woman and child in the United States at a fraction of the cost of our current system that leaves so many people uncovered or partially covered.
• If I had a gallon of road salt for every year since Samuel de Champlain first saw Lake Champlain, I’d have sea lamprey in my estuaries.
• If I had a BEER for every year since Samuel de Champlain first saw Lake Champlain, I’d have A FRAT PARTY.
• If I had a pint sized canning jar for every year since Samuel de Champlain first saw Lake Champlain, I’d have have enough jars can jam for the whole neighborhood! I’m looking jam size canning jars if anyone has some they no longer use! I’m planning to make lots of berry jam this summer to give as wedding gifts next spring 🙂
• If I had a Arquebus for every year since Samuel de Champlain first saw Lake Champlain, I’d have an Ancient Weapons Museum!
• If I had a fish for every year since Samuel de Champlain first saw Lake Champlain, I’d have a school.
• If I had a dollar for every year since Samuel de Champlain first saw Lake Champlain, I’d have a night out on the town in Richmond.
• If I had a KID for every year since Samuel de Champlain first saw Lake Champlain, I’d have JFK ELEMENTARY SCHOOL IN WINOOSKI.
• If I had an onion for every year since Samuel de Champlain first saw Lake Champlain, I’d have an onion city called Winooski.
• If I had a PIECE OF BACON for every year since Samuel de Champlain first saw Lake Champlain, I’d have DANGEROUSLY HIGH CHOLESTEROL LEVELS.
• If I had ONE MILLION DOLLARS for every year since Samuel de Champlain first saw Lake Champlain, I’d have ENOUGH MONEY TO COVER MICHAEL JACKSON’S DEBT. and if you think that’s a lot…
• If I had an inch of snow for every year since Samuel de Champlain first saw Lake Champlain, I’d be in Skiers’ Heaven!!!
• This one is from Ethan… If I had a Rock for every year since Samuel de Champlain first saw Lake Champlain, I’d have a Rock Garden.
• If I had a Lake Monsters game for every year since Samuel de Champlain first saw Lake Champlain, I’d have 400 Lake Monsters games to attend at Centennial Field!
• If I had an acre of land in Charlotte for every year since Samuel de Champlain first saw Lake Champlain, I’d give it all to Habitat for Humanity to build affordable housing with LOTS of Common Land.
• If I had a dollar for every year since Samuel de Champlain first saw Lake Champlain, I’d have enough money to purchase something wonderful from all the excellent vendors at the Williston Farmer’s Market.
• If I had a rain barrel for every year since Samuel de Champlain first saw Lake Champlain, I’d have enough rain to supply one inch of water to all of Archibald Neighborhood Garden’s plots for 58 weeks (assuming my math is correct).
• If I had an ounce of power for every year since Samuel de Champlain first saw Lake Champlain, I’d have all sidewalks and streets fixed in Burlington so pedestrians could be safe.
• If I had a square for every year since Samuel de Champlain first saw Lake Champlain, I’d have: 20 squared squares.
• If I had a plane ticket for every year since Samuel de Champlain first saw Lake Champlain, I’d have a lot of adventures. Or one adventure with 399 friends.
• If I had a dead indian for every year since Samuel de Champlain first saw Lake Champlain, I’d have a big graveyard.
• If I had a couple of degrees for every year since Samuel de Champlain first saw Lake Champlain, I’d have enough heat to clean my oven!
• If I had a squirrel for every year since Samuel de Champlain first saw Lake Champlain, I’d have my backyard on a good day. 😉
• If I had a half a mind for every year since Samuel de Champlain first saw Lake Champlain, I’d have a head that’s 200 times bigger.
• If I had 1 gallon of sap for every year since Samuel de Champlain first saw lake Champlain I’d have 10 gallons of maple syrup.
• If I had a tray of brownies for every year since Samuel de Champlain first saw Lake Champlain, I’d have to consume 1,152,000 calories!
• If I had a rabbit for every year since Samuel de Champlain first saw Lake Champlain, I’d have Vermont overrun by rabbits.
• If I had a pair of hands for every year since Samuel de Champlain first saw Lake Champlain, I’d have a gang sufficient to prepare the rail causeway for full-time ferry service across the cut, linking the Burlington bikepath and points south with the Champlain Islands and points north.
• If I had a friend for every year since Samuel de Champlain firs saw Lake Champlain, I’d have a neighborhood.
• If I had a peeper for every year since Samuel de Champlain first saw Lake Champlain, I’d have a symphony.
• If I had a drum of VT maple syrup for every year since Samuel de Champlain first saw Lake Champlain I’d have enough to send 22 gallons with every VT Nat. Guard Soldier headed to Afghanistan this winter to enjoy and share with their hosts.
• If I had a mature tree planted around Burlington for every year since Samuel de Champlain first saw Lake Champlain, I’d have 19,200 pounds of carbon dioxide absorbed each year and release enough oxygen back into the atmosphere to support 800 human beings.
• If I had a MENTOR for every year since Samuel de Champlain first saw Lake Champlain, I’d have REACHED MOBIUS’ GOAL OF OVER 1,200 MENTORS FOR KIDS IN CHITTENDEN COUNTY
• If I had a fruit or vegetable for every year since Samuel de Champlain first saw Lake Champlain, I’d have the Intervale.
• If I had an acre for every year since Samuel de Champlain first saw Lake Champlain, I’d have a much longer walk to get the mail.
• If I had a champ sighting for every year since Samuel de Champlain first saw Lake Champlain, I’d have a cottage industry bigger than BigFoot.
• If I had a Champ for every year since Samuel de Champlain first saw Lake Champlain, I’d have my own Lake Jurassic.
• If I had a tree for every year since Samuel de Champlain first saw Lake Champlain, I’d have Eastwoods Forest.
• If I had a BABY CHAMP for every year since Samuel de Champlain first saw Lake Champlain, I’d have LAKE FULL OF MONSTERS.
• If I had a TREE for every year since Samuel de Champlain first saw Lake Champlain, I’d have a FOREST in Pinewood Neighborhood park!
• If I had a tree for every year since Samuel de Champlain first saw Lake Champlain, I’d have a nice little forest
• If I had a grad for every year since Samuel de Champlain first saw Lake Champlain, I’d have experienced one revolutionary year.
• If i had A TOE for every year since Samuel de Champlain first saw lake champlain, i’d have an 80 foot stride.
• If I had a tomato for every year since Samuel de Champlain first saw Lake Champlain, I’d have tasty salsa all winter long.
• If I had a dollar for every year since Samuel de Champlain first saw Lake Champlain, I’d have the new (to me) computer I want! But, seriously… does anyone have an older laptop they aren’t using anymore (that you’d like to get rid of at a very reasonable price?)? My desktop is dying and I’m moving into a much smaller place and would like a laptop to save space…I just can’t afford to go out and buy new. I’m not going to use it for anything too extreme…just some internet surfing, document prep and email…maybe a few pictures. If you have something you aren’t using and you’d like to pass along to someone who would really appreciate it and get a lot of use out of it… I’d be interested in hearing what you may have and what you’re asking for it. Thanks much!
• If I had a nickel for every year since Samuel de Champlain first saw Lake Champlain, I’d have a lot of nickels.
• If I had a BICYCLE MILE for every year since Samuel de Champlain first saw Lake Champlain, I’d have A PRETTY GOOD RIDE.
• If I had a CAT for every year since Samuel de Champlain first saw Lake Champlain, I’d have A CAT-ASTROPHE.
• If I had a house on Airport Drive and listened to F-16’s take off for every year since Samuel de Champlain first saw Lake Champlain, I’d have gone crazy. There – that’s better!! 🙂
• If I had a birthday candle for every year since Samuel de Champlain first saw Lake Champlain, I’d have a serious conflagration.
• If I had an APPLE TREE for every year since Samuel de Champlain first saw Lake Champlain, I’d have ONE BIG ORCHARD. Remember folks, if you don’t win the raffle you can still get a FREE concert ticket to one of the shows below by VOLUNTEERING for 4+ hours for the quad! Go to the website (google it or find it from the city of Burlington’s webpage) to learn more and sign up! Volunteers also receive a free t-shirt.
• If I had a phosphorous reduction plan in place for every year since Samuel de Champlain first saw Lake Champlain, I’d have a supper duper clean lake to swim in!
• If I had a dragon boat for every year since Samuel de Champlain first saw Lake Champlain, I’d have a beautiful regatta.
• If I had a Tree for every year since Samuel de Champlain first saw Lake Champlain, I’d have a Forest. 🙂
• If I had a new car for every year since Samuel de Champlain first saw Lake Champlain, I would have a junk yard.
• If I had a candle for every year since Samuel de Champlain first saw Lake Champlain, I would have peace in the world.
• If I had a dollar for every year since Samuel de Champlain first saw Lake Champlain, I’d have $400 dollars.
• If I had a wild black raspberry for every year since Samuel de Champlain first saw Lake Champlain, I’d have a nice, full belly and maybe a pie or two.
• If I had a FISH for every year since Samuel de Champlain first saw Lake Champlain, I’d have A WHALE OF A GOOD FISH FRY TO CELEBRATE THE PAST 400 YEARS.
• If I had a lobster for every year since Samuel de Champlain first saw Lake Champlain, I’d have a big neighborhood cookout!
• If I had a dinner for every year since Samuel de Champlain first saw Lake Champlain, I’d have a start in feeding the hungry in our City.
• I do not know how to copy and paste . Here is my entree: If I had a Friend for every year since Samuel de Champlain first saw Lake Champlain I’d have RICHES BEYOND COMPARE.
• If I had a note for every year since Samuel de Champlain first saw Lake Champlain, I’d have a song.
• If I had a day off for every year since Samuel de Champlain first saw Lake Champlain, I’d have enough time to sail around the world for a year.
• if i had a camera for every year since Samuel de Champlain first saw lake Champlain I’d have a lot of pictures.
• If I had a pea for every year since Samuel de Champlain first saw Lake Champlain, I’d have pea soup.
• If I had a WAVE for every year since Samuel de Champlain first saw Lake Champlain, I’d have A GREAT DAY OF SURFING.
• If I had a flower for every year since Samuel de Champlain first saw Lake Champlain, I’d have a stunning yard well worth whiling away the hours in. (A worthy goal!)
• If I had ten strands of hair for every year since Samuel de Champlain first saw Lake Champlain, I’d have a hairdo like Farrah Fawcett.
• If I had a bag of cement for every year since Samuel de Champlain first saw Lake Champlain, I’d have almost enough to fill all the potholes in Burlington.
• If I had a MIRACLE for every year since Samuel de Champlain first saw Lake Champlain, I’d have HEAVEN ON EARTH.
• If I had a coyote for every year since Samuel de Champlain first saw Lake Champlain, I’d have a pack of coyotes.
• If I had a stone for every year since Samuel de Champlain first saw Lake Champlain, I’d have my So. Starksboro garden.
• If I had one deer tick for every year since Samuel de Champlain first saw Lake Champlain, I’d have 400 deer ticks to destroy.
• If I had a refreshing beverage for every year since Samuel de Champlain first saw Lake Champlain, I’d have party.
• If I had a smile for every year since Samuel de Champlain first saw Lake Champlain, I’d have a great summer home with my new baby boy.
• If I had a new photo for every year since Samuel de Champlain first saw Lake Champlain, I’d have a big fat photo book on Lake Champlain.
• If I had a helium balloon for every year since Samuel de Champlain first saw Lake Champlain, I’d have a way to fly around in the sky.
• If I had a toe for every year since Samuel de Champlain first saw Lake Champlain, I’d have trouble walking.
• If I had a songbird for every year since Samuel de Champlain first saw Lake Champlain, I’d have an sweet cacophony that you would all love.
• If I had a grapevine for every year since Samuel de Champlain first saw Lake Champlain, I’d have a vineyard Chantal-14 Elizabeth (the one with the grape vines:))
• If I had a day off for every year since Samuel de Champlain first saw Lake Champlain, I’d have a year plus 35 days of vacation.
• If I had a penny for every year since Samuel de Champlain first saw Lake Champlain, I’d have four dollars.
• If I had a picture of a snowflake for every year since Samuel de Champlain first saw Lake Champlain, I’d have Snowflake Bentley’s Collection in my home.
• If I had a green-up bag and a person help pick litter for every year since Samuel de Champlain first saw Lake Champlain, we’d all have an even MORE beautiful New North End.
• If I had a BLOCK PARTY for every year since Samuel de Champlain first saw Lake Champlain, I’d have FUN with a Capital F.
• If I had a song for every year since Samuel de Champlain first saw Lake Champlain, I would be able to sing a different song every day of the year, and share the extras!