I haven’t laughed this hard in awhile. From Matt Gang in Burlington’s Old North End tonight on Front Porch Forum…
Are you tired of your trust worthy toaster, tirelessly toasting your toast to the desired toastiness? Boring!!!
Are you ready for an adventure? My toaster won’t let you down. You won’t start every morning with loud expletives and a smoked filled kitchen, just enough mornings to keep you constantly paranoid, and your neighbors heavily invested in fire insurance. Yes sir, the folks at Silex Proctor really broke the mold with this one. This toaster doesn’t view it’s temp. dial as an order, more as a suggestion. Sometimes brown means it will burn your bread product to a point that would require dental records for identification. At other times brown means the moment after you exit the kitchen, it will fling the still white bread into the stratosphere. Sometimes brown means that it won’t even accept the toast, preferring to make a loud buzzing noise whenever it’s overly sensitive lever is depressed.
I’m sure that at this point most everyone is just waiting for information on where to pick up this little beauty, but my conscience requires me to unearth a few of it’s less redeeming qualities.
This toaster is possessed by several malignant spirits.
It may be a portal to hell.
It cannot stand bagels, british muffins, or any other bread products come to think of it.
It can shoot flames as far as it can hurl fiery hunks of crust.
Please, please, please, take my toaster. I’m afraid of what will happen if I throw it out. Don’t tell it that I wrote this.